I've been itching the past few days to write something. Anything, I just need to get stuff out. My life now is crazy hectic, but most of the time that's okay. Work is becoming overwhelming and my school is crazy hard. Damn statistics, no one really uses this stuff that much, right? October 8th would have been my mom's 53rd birthday. That isn't going to be easy to live with. Birthdays, holidays and her death are always the hardest. And no matter what they say, it doesn't get better with time. The heart ache is still as fresh as the day I walked over to her lifeless body. I miss her terribly. Not a whole lot of people will read this, so I'm going to put all my feelings out there.
My dad has recently found a "lady friend" (I just can't say girlfriend, too weird) that he goes out with and enjoys being with. I have nothing against the woman. There's nothing to tell me not to like her or to be weary of her. From what I've seen she's a very nice person. I just can't wrap my head around it. In the beginning it didn't really bother me, then it started to little by little and now it drives me crazy. Don't get me wrong, I want him to be happy. I don't want my father alone for the rest of his life. I'd hate to be alone. But it's just very difficult for me to deal with. Even though people aren't, sometimes I feel that people are forgetting my mother. I don't feel that people talk about her as much as they should. It's just not fair that she's gone. My mother should still be here with my father. And when I hear him talk about his friend it breaks my heart in two. But again, I don't want my father being alone and I'm not saying he can't have this. It just hurts me, but it's not about me. This is about him. I can't be selfish to a parent that has sacrificed a lot for me and my siblings. Who continued living after losing the love of his life. Who showed us how to be strong when all you wanted to do was crawl up in a ball and die with her. And if he's happy, I'll live with it. But god does it hurt.
Even though my mother's death has always upset me, it feels like its creeping back up again. I'm starting to feel pain from it like I did when she died. Like it's re-hashing and its coming back strong and hard. I've cried a lot in the past few weeks, all at random times. A song comes on, I see a picture, I speak and I hear her, I dream of her, I can smell her. She is everywhere and nowhere at all. The more time that passes, the harder it becomes. I feel like school and work has suppressed most of it, and most of the time its not in the forefront of my mind. Two days ago a friend of my mom's and her friend passed away from breast cancer. She was my mom's age at the time she died. It's not fair.
Onto more pleasant things. I've now been in a relationship for 3 months. 3 whole months. That's like a record for me in the last couple of years. Ha. He's awesome. I feel bad because I've never really had good relationships, so I feel like I don't show affection like I should. Or sometimes I can be a whiny girl. He's still with me, so something must be going right. It's weird how when you really do quit looking for love, it knocks you off your feet. My best friend introduced me to him and I was very against the whole setup from the beginning. Because I'm crazy. But when I sat down to dinner that first night and we talked the whole entire time, I thought to myself, well this is weird. And things progressed and I still thought: "okay Heather, figure out what's wrong with him" and "you know something about him bothers you." But I never did find anything. He buys me really thoughtful gifts, he says nice things, he takes me out, he buys me creepy Halloween themed things and he even hits my best friend up for advice on stuff that I want. I feel like I'm one of the luckiest girls alive. To have found someone that really loves me, no matter what. That's pretty incredible. And he'll even watch lifetime movies with me. He's also the biggest nerd, but its so freaking cute. But both of us have been through hell in relationships before finding each other. I feel terrible that he's dealt with the stupid stuff that he has. But that doesn't matter, all that matters is we finally found each other. I finally figured it out and I've finally figured it out for myself. People always say when you love someone you just know. You know how I know? Even after I've seen him days in a row, thinking about seeing him again when I get home from work or school, still gives me that weird butterfly feeling in my stomach. That's love. I think my mom had a hand in this.
I guess I'll have to buy my best friend a really really nice Christmas gift this year...
