The Holidays are always so cheerful and happy. The smell of a turkey cooking (this year frying), a pumpkin spiced candle and cookies baking in the oven. There are so many things that we can smell that take us back to a certain memory. Thanksgiving meals always brought me back to the vision of my mother in a night gown, running around the kitchen and trying to get the turkey in and prep the other numerous foods for our dinner. The last year that she was with us for thanksgiving, she was in her pink nightgown and hadn't even showered that day. She busted her ass to have everything cooked properly, from scratch. I took a picture of the table filled with our food and in that picture she has her finger in her mouth like she just tasted one of the delicious dishes. We were all so happy that year. Everyone was eager to eat, I was happy that I got to watch the parade with my family and the dog show right after. I helped my mother in the kitchen like every year, and we were all excited to be off for a few days. None of us even brought up the subject of cancer at the dinner table. Because cancer didn't rule our lives and it certainly did not rule hers.
Here I sit, 9 days until Christmas, just thinking of my mother. Of course I partake in this every day of my life, but today I think about the last Holidays we spent together. Every Christmas, my mother would sit and wrap presents for hours and I'd sit with her mostly watching Christmas movies. I hated wrapping presents, and kind of still do. Every year she'd wrap up all the gifts that I bought for my friends and family. She tried so hard to make all of us happy on Christmas. One thing she always did for me was she gave me my birthday present on Christmas Eve. Even as a child, she never wanted me to feel slighted because of the day my birthday fell on. As a child she threw my parties at the beginning of the month. She also made sure people always bought me two separate gifts, one wrapped in birthday paper. My mother also would bake tons and tons of homemade sugar cookies. She would make the batter and stick it in the fridge for a few days. I would always sneak spoonfuls of the gooey goodness and eat it. She would get so mad when she saw half of the dough missing and knew exactly who it was. My mother spent 24 hours in active labor with me. Her Christmas in 1986 was a painful one that ended in happiness.
The last Christmas we spent together was a great Christmas. The cancer center she was treating at "adopted" my family for Christmas and bought our family many nice things. My mother was against this from the beginning because we weren't needy and we didn't need gifts. My parent's always made sure we had everything we needed, even if they went without. The people at the center were so generous and made that Christmas very memorable for the kids. Looking back you think, man would I have done anything different knowing that it was her last Christmas? I would have done this or bought this or said this. But you can't live your life thinking about the what ifs.
My birthday has never been the same since my mother took her last breath. No ounce of love, happiness or gifts can ever give me the feelings of having my mother back. Every Christmas my wish is that I could feel my mother right besides me as I partake in the festivities. There are so many things she is missing out on and when I start thinking about it too much the grief completely consumes me. Grief is such a heavy and painful thing. If you let it, it will destroy and cripple your life. I choose instead, to not have the grief control my life. I push it out as much as I can, to prevent it from eating a hole in my soul. But sometimes I have to let it in, I have to remember the pain of losing my mother. That's what makes us human, feeling the all too consuming grief of death. None of us will ever escape it. Especially when that damn Christmas shoes song comes on the radio....
My Christmas wish is to feel my mother around me on my birthday. To know she's standing besides me as I watch the kids open their presents. To somehow know she's silently wishing me a Happy Birthday. To know that she is proud of me right now at this moment. To just feel her love around me. That's all I want for Christmas.
