And sometimes, the world stops spinning.

It's time to start my blogging back up again. I really believe that writing all of my thoughts down, no matter how jumbled they might be, will be a good form of therapy again for me. First thought of the day: Life sucks. You know how you read all of those quotes: "I've learned a lot in life. To sum it up in three words: It goes on." or "God wouldn't give me something I couldn't handle." The first one is from the poet Robert Frost. I used to love this quote. And it's a very true quote about life; it always goes on whether you want it to or even if you're ready for it to go on. Life doesn't care about how you feel, how hurt, how down, how depressed you might get. The world keeps spinning round and round and you have to keep getting out of bed every morning and perform the same mandated structure of life that you have always performed. But still, life is an asshole. I try not to be bitter, and I try not to be angry but these days it feels like those two characteristics actively dictate my life. Last Friday, exactly one week ago, we received the news that my mother's tumors on her liver have grown significantly. The last round of chemo did absolutely nothing. She was told she had two options, experimental treatments at a different hospital that had not been FDA approved, or try our last oral chemo option. She is trying the last chemo option. But what if it doesn't work? My mother is 51 years old. Fifty fucking one. People are not supposed to die at age 51. It's not right and it's not fair. It's also not fair that my mother has never smoked a cigarette, drank a lot of alcohol, and never has done anything to cause her to have bad health, EVER. How can so many people who are not taking care of themselves, poison their bodies and absolutely nothing happen to them? It's not right. But like my mother tells me, I can't be bitter and angry about it. I can't hate other people because their biggest gripe is starting a new school, or going to a job they don't like, or having everything handed to them but still constantly complains. I'm not allowed to be angry at those people according to my mother. But guess what, I fucking am. And don't tell me you understand what I'm going through because you don't. For the past 4 years I've helped raise a child that did not come from me and now I'm going to do everything I can to take care of my family since my mother is so sick. I pray hard every night that she will beat cancer and go into remission and live another 40+ years. But I'm slowly started to realize that there's a very slim chance of that dream coming true. Even if they shrink the tumors and they take the bad part of her liver, there's always a high chance that her cancer will come back with a vengeance. Cancer is the worst thing in the world. I can't imagine how she feels going through something like this. From her getting so much hope in the beginning, to now barely having any hope. But she believes she will fight and win this battle to and I am trying my best to believe the same. I apologize in advance for my anger and bitterness, but the way I see it is I'm allowed this, if not much else.