Sad.

"As strong as you were, tender you go.

I'm watching you breathing for the last time.  A song for your heart, but when it is quiet, I know what it means and I'll carry you home. I'll carry you home."

Forever - and ever, the scars will remain.

Some days I have to try really hard to make it through the day and other days I'm completely unaware of anything bad ever happening. I tried to stop taking the meds that helped me sleep and it seemed to work for a bit, but then it stopped and I didn't sleep at all last night. So I have to be careful, because I really need a decent amout of sleep to function. Life goes on, just like my favorite Robert Frost quote "I've learned a lot in life. To sum it up in three words: It goes on." And it does and you get to choose whether you will go on with it or if you will just fall down and refuse to never ever get up. I guess because I have so many people around me that depend on me, I couldn't stay down. I wanted to, so badly did I want to. But I know that isn't what my mother would have wanted. She would have yelled at me to knock it off so that's what i've tried doing. It's hard because when I try to function normally and I forget what happened that's usually what leads to a bad night like last night. But I'm dealing with it, I really am. I haven't had much time to write, I usually go to bed early during the week and just haven't been in the mood to sit down and write what I'm feeling.

What am I feeling? Anger, madness, hurt, betrayal, sadness, numb, crazy but still functioning sane, tired, sleepy. Everything. But at least I'm feeling something. For such a long time afterwards I felt nothing. Or if I did it was just blind anger. I am still angry, but I'm not letting it get in my way from still opening my eyes and glancing at the world around me. Feeling the sun on my face, smelling all of the fresh blooming flowers, and hearing the kids laugh. One of the hardest things to realize when you lose a close person in your life is that you are still alive, you're still living. You can't allow yourself to die along with that person. Whether you want to or not, you are alive and you have to keep on living. Living in the shadows of someone's death will destroy you. It was also hard for awhile because the people that you expect would be there for you or even just check on you, weren't. That's been an eye opener. Even people that you call family, that you would expect to check in on your from time to time just disappear. And I'm not looking for sympathy, and if you read this and somehow think it's you, don't try to make up for it now. I don't care. It hurt, but I'm bigger than that. That's one of the biggest things she taught me. Who cares what other's do or think. If you think something needs to be done, or someone needs your help, you give it to them. You're not doing it for validation, you're doing it because that's what you should do. You should take care of your sick parent, you should check in on an elderly neighbor, you should help someone out who never ever helps you, you should be a good person and alway give give give. Because that's what she taught me to do. I can't be bitter with these people, I wasn't brought up that way. It's just a confusing feeling I guess. But on the other hand I've had so many great people in my life. People who constantly check on me, take me out, talk to me or sometimes not talk to me, send me cards, text me, or just let me stay with them if that's what I needed. I'm so thankful to the ones that were there and are still there for me. They will never understand how grateful I have been to have such great people in my life. I think this has been long enough, and it's time for me to cuddle up with my cats and sleep. Until the next time.

Shitty

I'm so sick of everything. I'm sick of talking about my mother being gone, I'm sick of the way people look at me, I'm sick about worrying constantly about stupid things that I shouldn't worry about, and I'm just sick of my life. Today was a really crappy day. So many shitty things happened. But this is my life, no matter what happens. I miss my mother so much. I wish she were here to tell me to knock it off, quit worrying. Or tell me what I should do. I just miss her voice and her presence. Every single day it hurts. I don't want sympathy from anyone, that's not why I write this stuff. I just need to vent and sometimes this makes me feel a little bit better. I'm very tempted to shut my facebook down until after Mother's Day. I don't want any more reminders. And I'm just sick of all the drama facebook brings. I get very angry when I read ridiculous complaints on there. Try losing your mother then you can have something to complain about. And see, that's mean. I can't help but be angry, especially at everyone else because they don't know what I'm going through. But that's not fair at all. And I realize that, so mostly I just keep my mouth shut. My higher dosage of meds are working a lot better, so I'm hoping to regulate myself this week. I'm just waiting for something good to happen, to remind me that life isn't this shitty as it has been. Just one little ray of hope. I hope it happens soon, because I'm going crazy. My mom's service was great yesterday. Everyone made it so nice. Thanks to everyone for everything you did.