Sometimes your just stuck.

My father has been asking me to go through my mother's clothes to see if I wanted anything before he let other people look through it. For awhile I kept putting him off and telling him I would get to it. I just didn't want to do it. I didn't want to sit there and see all of her clothes and remember the stuff she wore and when she wore it. It was just too painful. But tonight I finally got up the strength to do it. Most of the stuff was too big for me, but I did manage to find some stuff to keep. But some of the shirts I kept just because they reminded me of her.

When I was little on halloween she would always wear a really cool shirt or vest. I found this pumpkin vest she had that she wore all of the time for halloween, so I took it. Of course I'll never wear it, but it's thing like that that I just can't seem to get rid of or give away. I know she's not here anymore and she would want her clothes to find a good home, but I'm just being stingy. It's weird because here I am, two months later and still completely numb from her death. Some days I forget that it even happened, but most days I just have this painful throb in my chest. It's still too painful to think about her. When I sit and remember it hurts so badly and I just feel crippled with grief. So I try to avoid those times as much as possible. But please don't freak out and say I need help because I'm not grieving. One of the hardest things going through this is not having many people that know exactly what you're going through. Wow actually I have no one that feels the way I do. And that's the hardest part of it all. People say things to me all of the time about losing her, or the way I'm grieving and it's just makes me so mad. I get so upset and that I just get pissed. No one gets it, and no matter how you might think it would be if it happened to you, it's not like that. But it's not there fault, they are only trying to help.

Recently I've been having horrible dreams. I've had a handful of dreams where I relive her death. I relive the last few days that she spent on this earth. I wake up feeling so fucking horrible. Why would my brain play such a horrible prank on me? I don't want to be reminded of her last few days and how horrible it was. I hate it. And the dreams are getting to be too much. I haven't actually told anyone about them. It hurts to talk about them. But it's like now instead of remember at random times, her last few days on earth,I can't even escape it as I'm dreaming. And I'm still not sleeping that well, but I don't really like taking anything unless I absolutely have to. I finally got my thumbprint necklace and soon I'll have my heart necklace filled with her ashes.

I still can't look too far into the future. I can't imagine her not being here. I can't imagine cooking thanksgiving dinner without her, or going black Friday shopping without her, and I can't imagine her not being here on Christmas (my birthday). My dad has no idea what to buy me for my birthday, that was her specialty. I love my dad so much, but how do you live your life without your mother? I'm 26 years old. She's supposed to be here forever, and I'm supposed to take care of her when she's old. She supposed to help me pick out my wedding dress, go to every sonogram appointment (when I ever decide to have kids), and she's suppose to be my own personal babysitter. I miss her so much it leaves a hole inside. Many nights I cry myself to sleep just asking for her to come back. I know it's useless and it will never happen, but I still try. I hate all of this. I hate that this happened to me. We didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to lose her life to something so stupid as cancer. I hate life. Life is not fair. And I know I'm supposed to suck it up and move on, but fuck that. I'm not moving anywhere for awhile.

It doesn't get better.

One of the things that I always seem to hear the most is that it gets better. Every single person that is trying to make me feel better tells me it will get better. But it doesn't. I think people lie to themselves and say things will get better just to make themselves feel better. Sometimes I feel like the grief from losing my mother is pushed way down deep inside of me somewhere. If I let my mind wander and think about it for too long, I get this hopelessly, lonely, angry, OH MY FUCKING GOD feeling inside of me. It's the worst feeling I've ever experience. I try to quickly push it back down. And before anyone starts preaching to me about how I need to grieve and deal with it, I do grieve, I experience that every single day. I'm not making feelings disappear or ignoring them. If you haven't lost a parent that you are extremely close to, took care of every single day of the end of her life you can't tell me how I should feel or deal with it. Something else that has been really bothering me lately. You tend to find out who's really there for you when something horrible like this happens. When my mother was dying people were here and offering help. People were trying to do what they could to make her feel better. When she died everyone showed up. Everyone cried and everyone was upset. Everyone attended her viewing and some people attended her memorial. But then most of those people have disappeared. I understand some people just love the drama of things, but when some of your own family doesn't communicate with you at all after what happened, it's shocking. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. But it really irritates the fuck out of me. My family was so close for so long. And when I say family I mean extended family. My mom did everything for everyone in my family, and now that she's gone everyone else is gone. It's like that quote when you stop always doing favors for others they get mad and most of the time disappear. Maybe that's what happened. Sometimes I feel very very alone even though I've surrounded by my family. I get angry at everyone else because they still have both of their parents. I hate a lot. I'm angry my mother didn't get a second opinion when she went on hospice, I'm angry that I had to watch my mother die, I'm angry that the people she was always there for seemed to not be there for her and now us in the end, but mostly I'm not angry. I don't have the energy to hold so much anger inside of me. I'm grateful for my relatives that are there, or who stop in and check on me when no one else is here. For the one's that will talk to me on the phone for awhile about anything and everything and they make sure I'm okay. I'm grateful for that. I think people always seem me as being okay and they think I am. People ask me constantly how I'm doing or how I'm holding up. My answer is always I'm fine or I'm okay, you know why? Because those people can't understand how I feel. In my head it's not worth explaining how shitty I feel, how I don't want to get out of bed everyday, how i'd rather stay in bed and sleep forever to just forget it all, how i hate coming home after work to be boggled down with the chores of the household and how I hate things are changing in my house without my mother. I refuse to clean out my mother's closet. It's her stuff and it's staying there. I refuse to watch any sort of wedding show, because every friday night we watched "Say Yes To The Dress" and "Four Weddings" or even when re-runs came on we watched them together. I refuse to take her thumb ring and chocolate diamond ring off. When she started losing more weight she asked me if I wanted her thumb ring and I accepted. I don't write all of this stuff to get people to feel sorry for me or treat me like a fragile piece of glass, I'm far from that. I just need to get this shit out of my head. It helps me feel better. Every day there is something I need to call her and tell her and I can't. When my phone rings at work I hope it's her calling to ask me what i'm doing. Bradley graduated Pre-k last week and Kelsie graduated 8th grade today. I'm so mad that my mom missed both of those. I'm just mad and hurt. I hate the people who have deserted me or the ones that weren't even there for me. My head is a big swirl of fucked up ness now. But I'll survive because that's what has to happen. PS: if you think you the above mentioned, you probably aren't. I'm thinking of specifics. And if it is you, don't try to fix it now. That'll piss me off even more. Until next time.