My father has been asking me to go through my mother's clothes to see if I wanted anything before he let other people look through it. For awhile I kept putting him off and telling him I would get to it. I just didn't want to do it. I didn't want to sit there and see all of her clothes and remember the stuff she wore and when she wore it. It was just too painful. But tonight I finally got up the strength to do it. Most of the stuff was too big for me, but I did manage to find some stuff to keep. But some of the shirts I kept just because they reminded me of her.
When I was little on halloween she would always wear a really cool shirt or vest. I found this pumpkin vest she had that she wore all of the time for halloween, so I took it. Of course I'll never wear it, but it's thing like that that I just can't seem to get rid of or give away. I know she's not here anymore and she would want her clothes to find a good home, but I'm just being stingy. It's weird because here I am, two months later and still completely numb from her death. Some days I forget that it even happened, but most days I just have this painful throb in my chest. It's still too painful to think about her. When I sit and remember it hurts so badly and I just feel crippled with grief. So I try to avoid those times as much as possible. But please don't freak out and say I need help because I'm not grieving. One of the hardest things going through this is not having many people that know exactly what you're going through. Wow actually I have no one that feels the way I do. And that's the hardest part of it all. People say things to me all of the time about losing her, or the way I'm grieving and it's just makes me so mad. I get so upset and that I just get pissed. No one gets it, and no matter how you might think it would be if it happened to you, it's not like that. But it's not there fault, they are only trying to help.
Recently I've been having horrible dreams. I've had a handful of dreams where I relive her death. I relive the last few days that she spent on this earth. I wake up feeling so fucking horrible. Why would my brain play such a horrible prank on me? I don't want to be reminded of her last few days and how horrible it was. I hate it. And the dreams are getting to be too much. I haven't actually told anyone about them. It hurts to talk about them. But it's like now instead of remember at random times, her last few days on earth,I can't even escape it as I'm dreaming. And I'm still not sleeping that well, but I don't really like taking anything unless I absolutely have to. I finally got my thumbprint necklace and soon I'll have my heart necklace filled with her ashes.
I still can't look too far into the future. I can't imagine her not being here. I can't imagine cooking thanksgiving dinner without her, or going black Friday shopping without her, and I can't imagine her not being here on Christmas (my birthday). My dad has no idea what to buy me for my birthday, that was her specialty. I love my dad so much, but how do you live your life without your mother? I'm 26 years old. She's supposed to be here forever, and I'm supposed to take care of her when she's old. She supposed to help me pick out my wedding dress, go to every sonogram appointment (when I ever decide to have kids), and she's suppose to be my own personal babysitter. I miss her so much it leaves a hole inside. Many nights I cry myself to sleep just asking for her to come back. I know it's useless and it will never happen, but I still try. I hate all of this. I hate that this happened to me. We didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to lose her life to something so stupid as cancer. I hate life. Life is not fair. And I know I'm supposed to suck it up and move on, but fuck that. I'm not moving anywhere for awhile.
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