It's only words.

I haven't written in this thing since October of 2014. Here is is, June 22, 2015. April 14th was the two year anniversary of losing my best friend, my mother. Two years, but it still feels like yesterday. I still can remember her smell, her voice, her laugh and everything about her. I haven't forgotten anything. That was always a huge fear of mine, forgetting everything about my mother. On the other hand, I remember with such vividness the last few days of her life. Now those, I wouldn't mind forgetting. I never thought I'd be where I am two years after losing her. I know I've written this before, but after you lose someone you love so much, you just don't think that life can ever go on. You feel guilty moving on without her. You feel wrong in doing certain things, because your mother isn't there to give her advice or tell you when you're being an idiot. The hardest thing to deal with is not having her to give me advice. I told her EVERYTHING, even stuff that you shouldn't tell your mother. She would always be there to listen to me and hold my hand when things got tough. My father is great, but it's not the same as my mother.

Recently, I've had to go through some tough things. Towards the end of March I went in for my yearly check up with the GYN and my pap smear came back with a positive result on bad cells in my cervix. I had to go through what they call a colposcopy, where the doctor puts medicine in your cervix that lights up these bad cells and then takes biopsies from the inside of the cervix. There is no sedative and it hurts like a mother fucker. Then you proceed to bleed and have cramps for a few days. The biopsies came back for the positive pre-cancerous cells and I had to go in for a LEEP procedure where they burn out a layer of your cervix taking all of the bad cells out with them. This wasn't too bad and I was only in bed for a few days. At the end of August I'll go back to have another PAP smear to make sure the cells haven't returned. I'm praying that they haven't. The more times you have this procedure performed, the higher the risk of infertility becomes. I don't want my chance to have a child taken away from me, but I also don't want to get cervical cancer. It's a cluster fuck. This is the stuff I need my mom for. When I received this news I was so upset that I didn't have my mom to help me deal with this. I cried myself to sleep before the procedure. It really really sucks.

Besides that, my life has been pretty awesome. I'm coming up on my one year anniversary with Jimmy. I can't believe it's been a year already. He's such a great boyfriend. And he can put up with my bullshit and family drama. I guess that means he's a keeper. School has been great and I'll be graduating in the spring with my associates degree in Psychology. After that I might take the PHR but I'm planning on transferring to Stevenson University for my bachelor degree. I'm very happy with my life. For a bit, I really really wanted to have some babies, but now I've realized that finishing school and becoming stable are more important to me right now. Plus I really enjoy sleeping. However, I can't wait to get married and have a few kids. I can't believe I'm 28 and I'm finally getting to the point in my life when I'm very happy. Besides, not having my mother life is working out.