"If you stay positive, you have a shot a silver lining,"

I love that quote from "Silver Linings Playbook." It's been awhile. I'd be lying if I said nothing has changed. Everything has. I wish I could say life sucks, because most days it generally does. But I'm too much of a positive person to constantly spew negative thoughts. My mother is not doing well, and she probably won't get better. I keep hope, I really do. I pray every night before I fall asleep, I pray whenever I think about it actually. I wish it was easy to fix my mother and make her feel better. I still don't understand why such bad things happen to great people. It also scares the shit out of me. I'm afraid the same thing will happen to me one day. Is it all worth it? Is it worth living your life to the fullest, getting married, having children, making a life for yourself? To wake up when you're in your early 50's to a deadly form of cancer that most likely you will not survive? Is it worth it? I don't know how I'd feel in my mother's position. Could I have children knowing I might not live to see them grow up? I just don't know. Part of me is so confused about it, but the happy cheery side wants all of that. I don't care what happens to me down the line. I want to experience everything life has to offer while life is offering it to me. Positivity, that's what gets us through right? But god is it hard to be positive sometimes. I've learned to enjoy the simple things in life. An 8 lb. cat walking up and down my body in the morning to wake me up, my nephew telling me he loves me, a book that makes me realize how great life can be, a friend that does dumb shit just to make me laugh, the waves washing ashore on the beach at night, the sound of trains, my mother telling me a story from her childhood, and the sky. When the night sky is so clear that you can see every star in the sky, that's magic. Or seeing a shooting start fly through the sky? That's simple, and life changing. If only life could be so simple and easy. I've been through a lot of emotions. More recently, I've been ridiculously bitter and angry. I dislike a lot of people. I mostly dislike them right now because what they have that I don't. Easy life. Boring, every day life. It's been a long time since my life has been boring. But some days, in the midst of my anger and bitterness I think about what my life would be like if I had it easy. What if everything had been handed to me? What if I didn't have a 5 year old in my life that I helped raise the past 4 years, what if I was the only child, what if my parents still washed my laundry? Simply put, I would not be who I am today. I'm such a strong woman thanks to my circumstances and especially because of who my mother is. I can live and put up with so much. My limits are limitless, I can handle anything that is thrown in my face. I can handle it. As much as I don't want to handle it and at times I can't deal with it, I always do. And I've never had to be medicated to deal with my problems. I have great friends, good support, and the ability to write my feelings out when I need to. It's been quite awhile since I've been able to sit down and write my feelings out. I can write tons of stories and fill out my mom's online blog about her condition, but when it comes to what's inside my head? I've been kind of cloudy lately. I feel like I'm whole again. And finally my head has opened up and allowed my hands to flow with words again. I'm very thankful for that. Daylight savings is messing with my head. I'm so wide awake, but it's past my bed time. I'm hoping to update this frequently as a form of my own therapy and survival guide. Until then. "I shall be telling this with a sigh. Somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." - Robert Frost