In 11 days my mother will have been dead for 6 months. 6 months. Wow it feels weird to write that. Some days it feels like it was only yesterday, while other days it feels like it's been years. I still remember it all, the agony, the pain and the heartbreak. Every feeling is still clear as day to me. In 5 days it will be my mother's birthday. She would have been 52 years old. If I could freeze time right at this very moment, I would. I don't want her birthday to come, I don't want to celebrate thanksgiving and I really don't want to celebrate Christmas. Christmas was her holiday. She did everything, I even bribed her to wrap all my presents last year because I'm not a great wrapper. She wrapped and gossiped and I listened and watching Christmas vacation. I don't know how Christmas is going to happen this year. And I don't want to think about it at all. But I have siblings and my dad to think about. Some days I wish I could lose my mind for a few days and just wallow in my misery, but that's not who I am. I never once did that after my mom died. Because my mother would have smacked me for doing that. I wish I could have her back. I'd do anything in the world to hear her laugh again, smell her perfume or just lay in the bed with her again. But I never want to see that empty look in her eyes on her last days on earth. Her eyes were so empty and full of nothing. That was the first time I realized my mother was dying. When she lost that spark in her eye, that was hard.
This week has been pretty shitty. So far 4 people I have known have died. One lady was someone that was battling cancer the same time my mom was. I would see her often up St Agnes when my had her chemo treatments. I know death happens often but I'm tired of it continuing to happen for the same reason that it killed my mother. With my mom's birthday coming up my mood is going downhill, but I guess thats what to be expected. In better news, I'm doing great with school. I love it and actually look forward to it, and i love my on the side job. School and work are a positive in my life and I'm very thankful for that. Home life is another story. Super stressful, but it's whatever. I'll survive. Everything is so different without my mother. No one ever keeps me in the loop anymore. My mother was like the daily news, she knew everything and made sure everyone else knew it too. I miss her telling me when I was doing something stupid, I miss her keeping me on my toes about everything. I just miss talking to her everyday about everything and anything.
Life is such a cluster fuck. It's so disappointing. There are great things that happen but there are equally devastating occurrences that strike you down to your knees. Life is painful, it hurts. But then life has a way of turning things around and inserting these small moments that remind you to keep on living, to not give up, to keep smiling. And when these moments happen you should hold on to them and tuck them away. Because those moments are what get you through the darkest, shittiest times in your life. Those little moments make life worth continuing to live, so never take them for granted. Or the people around you. I want to thank all of my friends for listening to all my gripes and complaints and still being there for me through it all. There are so many of you that I won't list names and accidentally leave anyone out. But everyone has done great things for me, and I appreciate it so so soooo much. I love you guys.
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