Mother's Day always seemed like a fun holiday. It was an excuse for us to go to my mom's favorite restaurant (which was also mine) and eat delicious pasta and have a great day. It was also a day that I could find my mom a cool gift, traditional or not, and surprise her with it. A few years ago I bought her a handmade thing that hangs in the kitchen with each of our names on it and a quote about mother's and their kids. It was pretty unique and she really loved it. It's still hanging there and has never been moved. Now I hate mother's day. It's just another holiday that reminds me that my mother is gone. It's another constant reminder of how much everyone loves their mother, and how mine isn't here for me to love. It's another day that twists my heart over and over again. It's another day that I'm miserable for because I wish I could have one more with her. But I get through it. This one was worse than last year. Last year it was the first one without her, that should have been terrible. But my brain was still numb and wasn't able to really comprehend it.
But today was a new day, a new struggle, a new heartache. I'll be okay, because I'm always okay. I don't really ever have a choice to not be okay. I spent the weekend in West Virginia with Catie for her graduation and had an awesome time. I love it there. It's so quiet and laid back. I really love the mountains. It was nice to have that distraction, because it kept my quiet mother's day thoughts away. But they came later, they always come.
Sometimes I just feel so stuck. Like I keep going back to the same things over and over again because they're comfortable. I wish I could pick up and move to another state and never look back. I wish I could get away and not have to worry about anyone or anything anymore. But that's just impossible. I can feel it though, something stirring deep down in my soul. Something that's warning me one day I will do just that, one day I'll walk away and leave it all behind me. I'll break free and start new. One day things will all be different. I'll no longer settle, I'll no longer let people hurt me over and over and over again. One day I'll be strong enough to say no and to walk away. But until then, I'm still here. I'm still unsatisfied. I'm still yearning for more. I'm still looking for life on the other side of loss. And I haven't found it yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment