Clarity

Everyone has their bad days and then we have good days. Really good days, and they make the bad days not even exist. It's funny how you go through life accepting something that you think you deserve. You always settle and think that's just how my life is supposed to play out. It always happens to me, I always get the shit end of the stick. Those type of thoughts often plagued me many nights. Over the course of the past year and a half I thought I had done something wrong to have the horrible events unfold in my life. Especially losing my mother. Was there something I could have done to prevent this? Why me? Why did I have to lose my parent? Why did I watch the person I love the most, wither away and die before my eyes? My healthy parent. God must hate me. The universe is against me. I did something to make all of this bad stuff happen.

One day you wake up and have clarity. You realize no one did this to you. It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong to make this happen. You never set off an event that ultimately led to this disaster. It's no ones fault, not even God's. One day you realize bad things happen to good people all of the damn time. But guess what? They also happen to bad people every single day. You shouldn't wish ill will towards anyone, but some of your dark days you couldn't help but do just that. You finally understand that you don't deserve what you keep settling for. You are so much better than that. One day something or someone comes along and makes you open your eyes. And then you just change, a good change, like for the good. You stop with the bad, negative feelings. You grow into something else, something new.

Life is a constant transformation. Most of the time we don't even see it or notice it. But we are constantly evolving into better forms of ourselves. There's still pain, and it still hurts like hell every single day. You will still have your bad days, but you can deal with them. You'll get through it, because that's who you are. You weather the storm, you walk through it. And you come out unscathed on the other side. My mother always taught me these things, but I never realized how true it all is. She always told me I deserved better than I was getting, everywhere in my life. But I was content being quiet, getting stepped on, being emotionally abused. I was settling every day of my life. But I can't anymore. I've hit that clarity mark and I don't think I can go back.