You can't escape, but some days you just feel broken.

My cousin took me to the beach this weekend to get away. It was a pretty calm and quiet weekend. We enjoyed ourselves. I was able to sit on the beach, enjoy the sand between my toes, the sound of the ocean, and reading on my kindle. But sometimes I feel like I can't do the simple easy stuff so easily. I can't concentrate on what I'm reading, or I re read the same page a few times before realizing it. I think I appear to be okay most of the time, so people sometimes think I am. But I'm not. I'm appreciative for how nice people have been to me throughout this ordeal. But it's hard for me to believe people are relatable to what I'm going through. Sure you've lost a parent. But you aren't/weren't 26, with 3 younger siblings. Do you know how hard that is? My dad commented a few days ago and said how it sometimes feel like my mom never existed. It was like she died and you can't remember her even being in the house. It's such a horrible and weird feeling, because you know that feeling isn't real. You know what was real, you can remember her voice, the way she screamed your name, the way she smelled, the ridiculously loud way she sneezed (that always seemed to make me angry), the great food she would cook, the awesome brownies she made, and most of all how hard and wonderfully she loved all of us. Going away was great for me, but I can't run away from what happened. I still can't sleep, even down there I slept three hours and I was wide awake. I have meds to help me sleep but I didn't take them and I don't really like taking them, and most of the time they don't work well. I hate how, two weeks later, I'm still so un-functionable. I miss my old, crazy, but normal life. My job, my work friends, coming home and hanging out with my mom, taking my nephew out and enjoying myself, looking forward to a quiet weekend. Now I feel like I can't perform the easiest task because my head is still so scrambled up. I can't remember where I sat something, a normal word to describe something, and just normal stuff. I can't remember. And I just miss her so much it hurts. My heart is broken into tiny shards that float throughout my body and rip and tear up all of my insides. That's how it feels. But I'm so great at pretending I'm okay. I think I might look into a grief support group just for shits and giggles. Maybe it will help to meet someone going through the same thing that I am. But I'll get better, it's just going to take some time I guess. And eventually I'll be able to get back to all of my new normal stuff. It's just hard to look that far ahead. I hate looking days ahead. It's so fucking depressing. I just want my mom to comes back. I can't live a life without her. I need her to take care of me. I know I'm 26, but I still need her. I have so much to tell her, advice to ask for, and I need her to tell me when I'm making stupid decisions. I need that so much. I know parent's get on their kids nerves all of the time, but please don't take that for granted. At Christmas time I thought well this will not be her last Christmas, no way! She was doing so well with treatment. She went shopping, wrapped presents, and still cooked food for Christmas. She was fine! And now I feel like such a fucking asshole for not treasuring that moment, that time, that holiday with her more. I'll never get to sit and watch her wrap presents while I watch Christmas vacation. We'll never go shopping together while she spends my dad's money, knowing full well he was going to shit a brick when he received the credit card bill. And Mother's Day? I don't want any parts of that. I don't think I'll leave my bed that day. Writing all of this stuff down makes me feel better, and I think it gives people a better insight to the struggle that I face every day. This Saturday is her memorial service at church. I'm writing the Eulogy to give. I never thought I'd say that. Until the next jumble of thoughts spill.

Thought Before Attempting Sleep

I hate the amount of times a day I hear things stuff for Mother's Day. Whether it be on the tv or the radio. It drives me crazy. And it makes me so damn sad. I sat and stared for an hour earlier just thinking about my mother and her final days. God it messes with my head so much. I still can't grasp the concept of her being gone. I'm waiting for a phone call, a check in, her yelling my name. And it's not happening. And I'm just so sick of everything. I'm sick of life. It's still not fair. But that's something that I'll have to grapple with the rest of my life. One other thing that has been bothering me. All of the quote pictures on facebook that people repost or post referring to someone dying, being an angel, or looking out for us. It's just a constant reminder that she's gone and I don't like it. When I see those it makes me so angry and sad. I appreciate everyone and what they've done for me. I still don't understand this grieving thing, I still don't sleep most nights, and I still wish so hard that I could turn back the hands of time. Just a do over. To say more, to ask more, to record more. I do have two voicemails on my phone from her that I play often. My family and friends have gotten me through this first week. There are a few that have been there to listen, spend time with me, pretend nothing happened and provided me with a good time. I'm so appreciative to those people because there's no way I would've survived the first week of my mother's death alone. I know sometimes I don't answer texts quickly, or don't reach out to people. Sometimes people just catch me at a bad moment and I just want to be left alone. But i appreciate it all, I swear. I miss have routine in my life, but I know I'm not ready for it yet. Most days I feel like a walking zombie. Here's to hoping I can sleep some.

It just hurts

I miss her so much. But I still feel so numb. I'm still replaying the past week over and over in my head, everything swept by so fast. I hope i can sleep tonight. This is just so unfair. I miss my mother so much. I have stuff to tell her, I have things to show her, I want to hear her snoring again. I just want to hear her tell me that she loves me. That's all I want. My heart is so broken.

In days that follow, I discover that anger is easier to handle than grieff

Everyone asks me every day how I'm doing. Or how am I holding up. This quote says it plainly. “Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I'm heavy, like there's to much gravity on my heart.” My dad decided to take the kids on a mini-vacation for the weekend. We are at "Great Wolf Lodge" in Williamsburg, VA. I didn't really want to come, but I didn't want to stay at home either. For so long it's easy to pretend and continue to tell yourself that she will be healed. God will perform one of his miracles and he would make her all better. She'd jump out of bed one day and go to Bingo. That never happened. My mother just became more sick with every breath she took. The cancer must have hit her body so fast, because it was only days. I'm thankful it was only days that she went through the horrible suffering. But I'm not thankful that she has been taken. My mother was 51 years old. WHAT THE FUCK?! I don't care what anyone says or thinks, but I can be mad at whoever the hell I want. I'm made at God. I grew up believing in God. And I still do. And I believe in heaven and I know my mother is there. But she should be here. She shouldn't be up there. She has children she needs to finish raising, she has my wedding to attend (whenever that happens), grandchildren that she needs to meet. I hate this. This get away trip has been nice, but tomorrow I have to go back home. I don't want to go home. Everything reminds me of my mother and of her sickness. Everyday I replay the last few days of her life. Every day I replay the scene when I found her in her bed, gone. I replay all of that every second of every day. I look at my father and he's just as broken as I am. He has lost his wife. They were married almost 32 years and together more than that. They've been through so much together and they had so much love for each other. They showed me that there are great loving relationships out there. He told me last night it breaks his heart seeing all of these husbands with their wives and he'll never have his again. The pain of losing a parent at any age is horrible, but to lose my mother now, has completely devastated me. If my nephew didn't need taken care of, I probably wouldn't get out of bed. I'm afraid when I get home I'm going to slip into a sort of coma. I don't even want to do anything here but stay in the bed. And maybe I need that, maybe I need to lay in bed for a few days, maybe that'll help. But right now it feels like nothing in the world can help shake this horrible feeling of a black hole in my heart. I'm so angry. So I apologize in advance if I take it out on anyone. I can't help it right now. I'm so digusted by everything, including my own sister. This is part of her fault this has happened. My mom had terrible psoriasis (caused by all of the stress she brought into her life) and she tried so many different drugs, one of which had the side effects of cancer. I know that might not have caused it, but I'm pretty confident it lit the fire in her body to speed it along. I'll never forgive her for that. And I won't forget how she pretends she loved my mother so much, when she fault with her every single day of her life. She never helped her, even to watch her own son when my mother was too sick to get out of bed. We had to send him to a neighbors house. She disgusts me. And I could really care less if she sees this. I loved my mother so much, no one has any idea. She was my best friend. She told me when I was making dumb decisions, warned me about guys I had been dating, and just listened to every day stupid drama that unfolded. I would've done anything to take this sickness away, or even shave time off of my life to save her or give her more time. When people ask how I am what am I supposed to say? My insides feel like they are going to fall out, I wake up and feel nauseous when I replay the scene in my head, I feel so numb that tears don't come, I can't sleep alone at night, I crave someone to hold me and tell me it'll be okay, that I feel like someone took a knife and carved my heart out of my chest and chopped it into little tiny pieces. That's how I feel. Like I'll never be able to have a normal life again.

"When it is dark enough, men see the stars."

That's a pretty good quote. I appreciate the stars, there's something so beautiful about them. They remind you of the perfectness that is still left in the world. They may be imperfect, but I still love them. If everything was as easy as a clear night with stars. I don't feel like writing much tonight. I've already updated my mom's journal. Plus I have work early so I should crash soon. My mom is getting worse, and I know what the end result is. It breaks my heart to see this happen to her and it breaks me knowing what will happen to me when she leaves. But I still try to find the beauty in the word. The birds singing outside, the stars, and the flowers in bloom. Life is horribly tragic, but it provides us with a few things along the way that lifts us up just a little to remind us sometimes life is still worth it.