Thought Before Attempting Sleep

I hate the amount of times a day I hear things stuff for Mother's Day. Whether it be on the tv or the radio. It drives me crazy. And it makes me so damn sad. I sat and stared for an hour earlier just thinking about my mother and her final days. God it messes with my head so much. I still can't grasp the concept of her being gone. I'm waiting for a phone call, a check in, her yelling my name. And it's not happening. And I'm just so sick of everything. I'm sick of life. It's still not fair. But that's something that I'll have to grapple with the rest of my life. One other thing that has been bothering me. All of the quote pictures on facebook that people repost or post referring to someone dying, being an angel, or looking out for us. It's just a constant reminder that she's gone and I don't like it. When I see those it makes me so angry and sad. I appreciate everyone and what they've done for me. I still don't understand this grieving thing, I still don't sleep most nights, and I still wish so hard that I could turn back the hands of time. Just a do over. To say more, to ask more, to record more. I do have two voicemails on my phone from her that I play often. My family and friends have gotten me through this first week. There are a few that have been there to listen, spend time with me, pretend nothing happened and provided me with a good time. I'm so appreciative to those people because there's no way I would've survived the first week of my mother's death alone. I know sometimes I don't answer texts quickly, or don't reach out to people. Sometimes people just catch me at a bad moment and I just want to be left alone. But i appreciate it all, I swear. I miss have routine in my life, but I know I'm not ready for it yet. Most days I feel like a walking zombie. Here's to hoping I can sleep some.