In days that follow, I discover that anger is easier to handle than grieff

Everyone asks me every day how I'm doing. Or how am I holding up. This quote says it plainly. “Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I'm heavy, like there's to much gravity on my heart.” My dad decided to take the kids on a mini-vacation for the weekend. We are at "Great Wolf Lodge" in Williamsburg, VA. I didn't really want to come, but I didn't want to stay at home either. For so long it's easy to pretend and continue to tell yourself that she will be healed. God will perform one of his miracles and he would make her all better. She'd jump out of bed one day and go to Bingo. That never happened. My mother just became more sick with every breath she took. The cancer must have hit her body so fast, because it was only days. I'm thankful it was only days that she went through the horrible suffering. But I'm not thankful that she has been taken. My mother was 51 years old. WHAT THE FUCK?! I don't care what anyone says or thinks, but I can be mad at whoever the hell I want. I'm made at God. I grew up believing in God. And I still do. And I believe in heaven and I know my mother is there. But she should be here. She shouldn't be up there. She has children she needs to finish raising, she has my wedding to attend (whenever that happens), grandchildren that she needs to meet. I hate this. This get away trip has been nice, but tomorrow I have to go back home. I don't want to go home. Everything reminds me of my mother and of her sickness. Everyday I replay the last few days of her life. Every day I replay the scene when I found her in her bed, gone. I replay all of that every second of every day. I look at my father and he's just as broken as I am. He has lost his wife. They were married almost 32 years and together more than that. They've been through so much together and they had so much love for each other. They showed me that there are great loving relationships out there. He told me last night it breaks his heart seeing all of these husbands with their wives and he'll never have his again. The pain of losing a parent at any age is horrible, but to lose my mother now, has completely devastated me. If my nephew didn't need taken care of, I probably wouldn't get out of bed. I'm afraid when I get home I'm going to slip into a sort of coma. I don't even want to do anything here but stay in the bed. And maybe I need that, maybe I need to lay in bed for a few days, maybe that'll help. But right now it feels like nothing in the world can help shake this horrible feeling of a black hole in my heart. I'm so angry. So I apologize in advance if I take it out on anyone. I can't help it right now. I'm so digusted by everything, including my own sister. This is part of her fault this has happened. My mom had terrible psoriasis (caused by all of the stress she brought into her life) and she tried so many different drugs, one of which had the side effects of cancer. I know that might not have caused it, but I'm pretty confident it lit the fire in her body to speed it along. I'll never forgive her for that. And I won't forget how she pretends she loved my mother so much, when she fault with her every single day of her life. She never helped her, even to watch her own son when my mother was too sick to get out of bed. We had to send him to a neighbors house. She disgusts me. And I could really care less if she sees this. I loved my mother so much, no one has any idea. She was my best friend. She told me when I was making dumb decisions, warned me about guys I had been dating, and just listened to every day stupid drama that unfolded. I would've done anything to take this sickness away, or even shave time off of my life to save her or give her more time. When people ask how I am what am I supposed to say? My insides feel like they are going to fall out, I wake up and feel nauseous when I replay the scene in my head, I feel so numb that tears don't come, I can't sleep alone at night, I crave someone to hold me and tell me it'll be okay, that I feel like someone took a knife and carved my heart out of my chest and chopped it into little tiny pieces. That's how I feel. Like I'll never be able to have a normal life again.