Life, it still goes.

In 11 days my mother will have been dead for 6 months. 6 months. Wow it feels weird to write that. Some days it feels like it was only yesterday, while other days it feels like it's been years. I still remember it all, the agony, the pain and the heartbreak. Every feeling is still clear as day to me. In 5 days it will be my mother's birthday. She would have been 52 years old. If I could freeze time right at this very moment, I would. I don't want her birthday to come, I don't want to celebrate thanksgiving and I really don't want to celebrate Christmas. Christmas was her holiday. She did everything, I even bribed her to wrap all my presents last year because I'm not a great wrapper. She wrapped and gossiped and I listened and watching Christmas vacation. I don't know how Christmas is going to happen this year. And I don't want to think about it at all. But I have siblings and my dad to think about. Some days I wish I could lose my mind for a few days and just wallow in my misery, but that's not who I am. I never once did that after my mom died. Because my mother would have smacked me for doing that. I wish I could have her back. I'd do anything in the world to hear her laugh again, smell her perfume or just lay in the bed with her again. But I never want to see that empty look in her eyes on her last days on earth. Her eyes were so empty and full of nothing. That was the first time I realized my mother was dying. When she lost that spark in her eye, that was hard.

This week has been pretty shitty. So far 4 people I have known have died. One lady was someone that was battling cancer the same time my mom was. I would see her often up St Agnes when my had her chemo treatments. I know death happens often but I'm tired of it continuing to happen for the same reason that it killed my mother. With my mom's birthday coming up my mood is going downhill, but I guess thats what to be expected. In better news, I'm doing great with school. I love it and actually look forward to it, and i love my on the side job. School and work are a positive in my life and I'm very thankful for that. Home life is another story. Super stressful, but it's whatever. I'll survive. Everything is so different without my mother. No one ever keeps me in the loop anymore. My mother was like the daily news, she knew everything and made sure everyone else knew it too. I miss her telling me when I was doing something stupid, I miss her keeping me on my toes about everything. I just miss talking to her everyday about everything and anything.

Life is such a cluster fuck. It's so disappointing. There are great things that happen but there are equally devastating occurrences that strike you down to your knees. Life is painful, it hurts. But then life has a way of turning things around and inserting these small moments that remind you to keep on living, to not give up, to keep smiling. And when these moments happen you should hold on to them and tuck them away. Because those moments are what get you through the darkest, shittiest times in your life. Those little moments make life worth continuing to live, so never take them for granted. Or the people around you. I want to thank all of my friends for listening to all my gripes and complaints and still being there for me through it all. There are so many of you that I won't list names and accidentally leave anyone out. But everyone has done great things for me, and I appreciate it so so soooo much. I love you guys.

Sometimes your just stuck.

My father has been asking me to go through my mother's clothes to see if I wanted anything before he let other people look through it. For awhile I kept putting him off and telling him I would get to it. I just didn't want to do it. I didn't want to sit there and see all of her clothes and remember the stuff she wore and when she wore it. It was just too painful. But tonight I finally got up the strength to do it. Most of the stuff was too big for me, but I did manage to find some stuff to keep. But some of the shirts I kept just because they reminded me of her.

When I was little on halloween she would always wear a really cool shirt or vest. I found this pumpkin vest she had that she wore all of the time for halloween, so I took it. Of course I'll never wear it, but it's thing like that that I just can't seem to get rid of or give away. I know she's not here anymore and she would want her clothes to find a good home, but I'm just being stingy. It's weird because here I am, two months later and still completely numb from her death. Some days I forget that it even happened, but most days I just have this painful throb in my chest. It's still too painful to think about her. When I sit and remember it hurts so badly and I just feel crippled with grief. So I try to avoid those times as much as possible. But please don't freak out and say I need help because I'm not grieving. One of the hardest things going through this is not having many people that know exactly what you're going through. Wow actually I have no one that feels the way I do. And that's the hardest part of it all. People say things to me all of the time about losing her, or the way I'm grieving and it's just makes me so mad. I get so upset and that I just get pissed. No one gets it, and no matter how you might think it would be if it happened to you, it's not like that. But it's not there fault, they are only trying to help.

Recently I've been having horrible dreams. I've had a handful of dreams where I relive her death. I relive the last few days that she spent on this earth. I wake up feeling so fucking horrible. Why would my brain play such a horrible prank on me? I don't want to be reminded of her last few days and how horrible it was. I hate it. And the dreams are getting to be too much. I haven't actually told anyone about them. It hurts to talk about them. But it's like now instead of remember at random times, her last few days on earth,I can't even escape it as I'm dreaming. And I'm still not sleeping that well, but I don't really like taking anything unless I absolutely have to. I finally got my thumbprint necklace and soon I'll have my heart necklace filled with her ashes.

I still can't look too far into the future. I can't imagine her not being here. I can't imagine cooking thanksgiving dinner without her, or going black Friday shopping without her, and I can't imagine her not being here on Christmas (my birthday). My dad has no idea what to buy me for my birthday, that was her specialty. I love my dad so much, but how do you live your life without your mother? I'm 26 years old. She's supposed to be here forever, and I'm supposed to take care of her when she's old. She supposed to help me pick out my wedding dress, go to every sonogram appointment (when I ever decide to have kids), and she's suppose to be my own personal babysitter. I miss her so much it leaves a hole inside. Many nights I cry myself to sleep just asking for her to come back. I know it's useless and it will never happen, but I still try. I hate all of this. I hate that this happened to me. We didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to lose her life to something so stupid as cancer. I hate life. Life is not fair. And I know I'm supposed to suck it up and move on, but fuck that. I'm not moving anywhere for awhile.

It doesn't get better.

One of the things that I always seem to hear the most is that it gets better. Every single person that is trying to make me feel better tells me it will get better. But it doesn't. I think people lie to themselves and say things will get better just to make themselves feel better. Sometimes I feel like the grief from losing my mother is pushed way down deep inside of me somewhere. If I let my mind wander and think about it for too long, I get this hopelessly, lonely, angry, OH MY FUCKING GOD feeling inside of me. It's the worst feeling I've ever experience. I try to quickly push it back down. And before anyone starts preaching to me about how I need to grieve and deal with it, I do grieve, I experience that every single day. I'm not making feelings disappear or ignoring them. If you haven't lost a parent that you are extremely close to, took care of every single day of the end of her life you can't tell me how I should feel or deal with it. Something else that has been really bothering me lately. You tend to find out who's really there for you when something horrible like this happens. When my mother was dying people were here and offering help. People were trying to do what they could to make her feel better. When she died everyone showed up. Everyone cried and everyone was upset. Everyone attended her viewing and some people attended her memorial. But then most of those people have disappeared. I understand some people just love the drama of things, but when some of your own family doesn't communicate with you at all after what happened, it's shocking. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. But it really irritates the fuck out of me. My family was so close for so long. And when I say family I mean extended family. My mom did everything for everyone in my family, and now that she's gone everyone else is gone. It's like that quote when you stop always doing favors for others they get mad and most of the time disappear. Maybe that's what happened. Sometimes I feel very very alone even though I've surrounded by my family. I get angry at everyone else because they still have both of their parents. I hate a lot. I'm angry my mother didn't get a second opinion when she went on hospice, I'm angry that I had to watch my mother die, I'm angry that the people she was always there for seemed to not be there for her and now us in the end, but mostly I'm not angry. I don't have the energy to hold so much anger inside of me. I'm grateful for my relatives that are there, or who stop in and check on me when no one else is here. For the one's that will talk to me on the phone for awhile about anything and everything and they make sure I'm okay. I'm grateful for that. I think people always seem me as being okay and they think I am. People ask me constantly how I'm doing or how I'm holding up. My answer is always I'm fine or I'm okay, you know why? Because those people can't understand how I feel. In my head it's not worth explaining how shitty I feel, how I don't want to get out of bed everyday, how i'd rather stay in bed and sleep forever to just forget it all, how i hate coming home after work to be boggled down with the chores of the household and how I hate things are changing in my house without my mother. I refuse to clean out my mother's closet. It's her stuff and it's staying there. I refuse to watch any sort of wedding show, because every friday night we watched "Say Yes To The Dress" and "Four Weddings" or even when re-runs came on we watched them together. I refuse to take her thumb ring and chocolate diamond ring off. When she started losing more weight she asked me if I wanted her thumb ring and I accepted. I don't write all of this stuff to get people to feel sorry for me or treat me like a fragile piece of glass, I'm far from that. I just need to get this shit out of my head. It helps me feel better. Every day there is something I need to call her and tell her and I can't. When my phone rings at work I hope it's her calling to ask me what i'm doing. Bradley graduated Pre-k last week and Kelsie graduated 8th grade today. I'm so mad that my mom missed both of those. I'm just mad and hurt. I hate the people who have deserted me or the ones that weren't even there for me. My head is a big swirl of fucked up ness now. But I'll survive because that's what has to happen. PS: if you think you the above mentioned, you probably aren't. I'm thinking of specifics. And if it is you, don't try to fix it now. That'll piss me off even more. Until next time.

Sad.

"As strong as you were, tender you go.

I'm watching you breathing for the last time.  A song for your heart, but when it is quiet, I know what it means and I'll carry you home. I'll carry you home."

Forever - and ever, the scars will remain.

Some days I have to try really hard to make it through the day and other days I'm completely unaware of anything bad ever happening. I tried to stop taking the meds that helped me sleep and it seemed to work for a bit, but then it stopped and I didn't sleep at all last night. So I have to be careful, because I really need a decent amout of sleep to function. Life goes on, just like my favorite Robert Frost quote "I've learned a lot in life. To sum it up in three words: It goes on." And it does and you get to choose whether you will go on with it or if you will just fall down and refuse to never ever get up. I guess because I have so many people around me that depend on me, I couldn't stay down. I wanted to, so badly did I want to. But I know that isn't what my mother would have wanted. She would have yelled at me to knock it off so that's what i've tried doing. It's hard because when I try to function normally and I forget what happened that's usually what leads to a bad night like last night. But I'm dealing with it, I really am. I haven't had much time to write, I usually go to bed early during the week and just haven't been in the mood to sit down and write what I'm feeling.

What am I feeling? Anger, madness, hurt, betrayal, sadness, numb, crazy but still functioning sane, tired, sleepy. Everything. But at least I'm feeling something. For such a long time afterwards I felt nothing. Or if I did it was just blind anger. I am still angry, but I'm not letting it get in my way from still opening my eyes and glancing at the world around me. Feeling the sun on my face, smelling all of the fresh blooming flowers, and hearing the kids laugh. One of the hardest things to realize when you lose a close person in your life is that you are still alive, you're still living. You can't allow yourself to die along with that person. Whether you want to or not, you are alive and you have to keep on living. Living in the shadows of someone's death will destroy you. It was also hard for awhile because the people that you expect would be there for you or even just check on you, weren't. That's been an eye opener. Even people that you call family, that you would expect to check in on your from time to time just disappear. And I'm not looking for sympathy, and if you read this and somehow think it's you, don't try to make up for it now. I don't care. It hurt, but I'm bigger than that. That's one of the biggest things she taught me. Who cares what other's do or think. If you think something needs to be done, or someone needs your help, you give it to them. You're not doing it for validation, you're doing it because that's what you should do. You should take care of your sick parent, you should check in on an elderly neighbor, you should help someone out who never ever helps you, you should be a good person and alway give give give. Because that's what she taught me to do. I can't be bitter with these people, I wasn't brought up that way. It's just a confusing feeling I guess. But on the other hand I've had so many great people in my life. People who constantly check on me, take me out, talk to me or sometimes not talk to me, send me cards, text me, or just let me stay with them if that's what I needed. I'm so thankful to the ones that were there and are still there for me. They will never understand how grateful I have been to have such great people in my life. I think this has been long enough, and it's time for me to cuddle up with my cats and sleep. Until the next time.

Shitty

I'm so sick of everything. I'm sick of talking about my mother being gone, I'm sick of the way people look at me, I'm sick about worrying constantly about stupid things that I shouldn't worry about, and I'm just sick of my life. Today was a really crappy day. So many shitty things happened. But this is my life, no matter what happens. I miss my mother so much. I wish she were here to tell me to knock it off, quit worrying. Or tell me what I should do. I just miss her voice and her presence. Every single day it hurts. I don't want sympathy from anyone, that's not why I write this stuff. I just need to vent and sometimes this makes me feel a little bit better. I'm very tempted to shut my facebook down until after Mother's Day. I don't want any more reminders. And I'm just sick of all the drama facebook brings. I get very angry when I read ridiculous complaints on there. Try losing your mother then you can have something to complain about. And see, that's mean. I can't help but be angry, especially at everyone else because they don't know what I'm going through. But that's not fair at all. And I realize that, so mostly I just keep my mouth shut. My higher dosage of meds are working a lot better, so I'm hoping to regulate myself this week. I'm just waiting for something good to happen, to remind me that life isn't this shitty as it has been. Just one little ray of hope. I hope it happens soon, because I'm going crazy. My mom's service was great yesterday. Everyone made it so nice. Thanks to everyone for everything you did.

You can't escape, but some days you just feel broken.

My cousin took me to the beach this weekend to get away. It was a pretty calm and quiet weekend. We enjoyed ourselves. I was able to sit on the beach, enjoy the sand between my toes, the sound of the ocean, and reading on my kindle. But sometimes I feel like I can't do the simple easy stuff so easily. I can't concentrate on what I'm reading, or I re read the same page a few times before realizing it. I think I appear to be okay most of the time, so people sometimes think I am. But I'm not. I'm appreciative for how nice people have been to me throughout this ordeal. But it's hard for me to believe people are relatable to what I'm going through. Sure you've lost a parent. But you aren't/weren't 26, with 3 younger siblings. Do you know how hard that is? My dad commented a few days ago and said how it sometimes feel like my mom never existed. It was like she died and you can't remember her even being in the house. It's such a horrible and weird feeling, because you know that feeling isn't real. You know what was real, you can remember her voice, the way she screamed your name, the way she smelled, the ridiculously loud way she sneezed (that always seemed to make me angry), the great food she would cook, the awesome brownies she made, and most of all how hard and wonderfully she loved all of us. Going away was great for me, but I can't run away from what happened. I still can't sleep, even down there I slept three hours and I was wide awake. I have meds to help me sleep but I didn't take them and I don't really like taking them, and most of the time they don't work well. I hate how, two weeks later, I'm still so un-functionable. I miss my old, crazy, but normal life. My job, my work friends, coming home and hanging out with my mom, taking my nephew out and enjoying myself, looking forward to a quiet weekend. Now I feel like I can't perform the easiest task because my head is still so scrambled up. I can't remember where I sat something, a normal word to describe something, and just normal stuff. I can't remember. And I just miss her so much it hurts. My heart is broken into tiny shards that float throughout my body and rip and tear up all of my insides. That's how it feels. But I'm so great at pretending I'm okay. I think I might look into a grief support group just for shits and giggles. Maybe it will help to meet someone going through the same thing that I am. But I'll get better, it's just going to take some time I guess. And eventually I'll be able to get back to all of my new normal stuff. It's just hard to look that far ahead. I hate looking days ahead. It's so fucking depressing. I just want my mom to comes back. I can't live a life without her. I need her to take care of me. I know I'm 26, but I still need her. I have so much to tell her, advice to ask for, and I need her to tell me when I'm making stupid decisions. I need that so much. I know parent's get on their kids nerves all of the time, but please don't take that for granted. At Christmas time I thought well this will not be her last Christmas, no way! She was doing so well with treatment. She went shopping, wrapped presents, and still cooked food for Christmas. She was fine! And now I feel like such a fucking asshole for not treasuring that moment, that time, that holiday with her more. I'll never get to sit and watch her wrap presents while I watch Christmas vacation. We'll never go shopping together while she spends my dad's money, knowing full well he was going to shit a brick when he received the credit card bill. And Mother's Day? I don't want any parts of that. I don't think I'll leave my bed that day. Writing all of this stuff down makes me feel better, and I think it gives people a better insight to the struggle that I face every day. This Saturday is her memorial service at church. I'm writing the Eulogy to give. I never thought I'd say that. Until the next jumble of thoughts spill.

Thought Before Attempting Sleep

I hate the amount of times a day I hear things stuff for Mother's Day. Whether it be on the tv or the radio. It drives me crazy. And it makes me so damn sad. I sat and stared for an hour earlier just thinking about my mother and her final days. God it messes with my head so much. I still can't grasp the concept of her being gone. I'm waiting for a phone call, a check in, her yelling my name. And it's not happening. And I'm just so sick of everything. I'm sick of life. It's still not fair. But that's something that I'll have to grapple with the rest of my life. One other thing that has been bothering me. All of the quote pictures on facebook that people repost or post referring to someone dying, being an angel, or looking out for us. It's just a constant reminder that she's gone and I don't like it. When I see those it makes me so angry and sad. I appreciate everyone and what they've done for me. I still don't understand this grieving thing, I still don't sleep most nights, and I still wish so hard that I could turn back the hands of time. Just a do over. To say more, to ask more, to record more. I do have two voicemails on my phone from her that I play often. My family and friends have gotten me through this first week. There are a few that have been there to listen, spend time with me, pretend nothing happened and provided me with a good time. I'm so appreciative to those people because there's no way I would've survived the first week of my mother's death alone. I know sometimes I don't answer texts quickly, or don't reach out to people. Sometimes people just catch me at a bad moment and I just want to be left alone. But i appreciate it all, I swear. I miss have routine in my life, but I know I'm not ready for it yet. Most days I feel like a walking zombie. Here's to hoping I can sleep some.

It just hurts

I miss her so much. But I still feel so numb. I'm still replaying the past week over and over in my head, everything swept by so fast. I hope i can sleep tonight. This is just so unfair. I miss my mother so much. I have stuff to tell her, I have things to show her, I want to hear her snoring again. I just want to hear her tell me that she loves me. That's all I want. My heart is so broken.

In days that follow, I discover that anger is easier to handle than grieff

Everyone asks me every day how I'm doing. Or how am I holding up. This quote says it plainly. “Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I'm heavy, like there's to much gravity on my heart.” My dad decided to take the kids on a mini-vacation for the weekend. We are at "Great Wolf Lodge" in Williamsburg, VA. I didn't really want to come, but I didn't want to stay at home either. For so long it's easy to pretend and continue to tell yourself that she will be healed. God will perform one of his miracles and he would make her all better. She'd jump out of bed one day and go to Bingo. That never happened. My mother just became more sick with every breath she took. The cancer must have hit her body so fast, because it was only days. I'm thankful it was only days that she went through the horrible suffering. But I'm not thankful that she has been taken. My mother was 51 years old. WHAT THE FUCK?! I don't care what anyone says or thinks, but I can be mad at whoever the hell I want. I'm made at God. I grew up believing in God. And I still do. And I believe in heaven and I know my mother is there. But she should be here. She shouldn't be up there. She has children she needs to finish raising, she has my wedding to attend (whenever that happens), grandchildren that she needs to meet. I hate this. This get away trip has been nice, but tomorrow I have to go back home. I don't want to go home. Everything reminds me of my mother and of her sickness. Everyday I replay the last few days of her life. Every day I replay the scene when I found her in her bed, gone. I replay all of that every second of every day. I look at my father and he's just as broken as I am. He has lost his wife. They were married almost 32 years and together more than that. They've been through so much together and they had so much love for each other. They showed me that there are great loving relationships out there. He told me last night it breaks his heart seeing all of these husbands with their wives and he'll never have his again. The pain of losing a parent at any age is horrible, but to lose my mother now, has completely devastated me. If my nephew didn't need taken care of, I probably wouldn't get out of bed. I'm afraid when I get home I'm going to slip into a sort of coma. I don't even want to do anything here but stay in the bed. And maybe I need that, maybe I need to lay in bed for a few days, maybe that'll help. But right now it feels like nothing in the world can help shake this horrible feeling of a black hole in my heart. I'm so angry. So I apologize in advance if I take it out on anyone. I can't help it right now. I'm so digusted by everything, including my own sister. This is part of her fault this has happened. My mom had terrible psoriasis (caused by all of the stress she brought into her life) and she tried so many different drugs, one of which had the side effects of cancer. I know that might not have caused it, but I'm pretty confident it lit the fire in her body to speed it along. I'll never forgive her for that. And I won't forget how she pretends she loved my mother so much, when she fault with her every single day of her life. She never helped her, even to watch her own son when my mother was too sick to get out of bed. We had to send him to a neighbors house. She disgusts me. And I could really care less if she sees this. I loved my mother so much, no one has any idea. She was my best friend. She told me when I was making dumb decisions, warned me about guys I had been dating, and just listened to every day stupid drama that unfolded. I would've done anything to take this sickness away, or even shave time off of my life to save her or give her more time. When people ask how I am what am I supposed to say? My insides feel like they are going to fall out, I wake up and feel nauseous when I replay the scene in my head, I feel so numb that tears don't come, I can't sleep alone at night, I crave someone to hold me and tell me it'll be okay, that I feel like someone took a knife and carved my heart out of my chest and chopped it into little tiny pieces. That's how I feel. Like I'll never be able to have a normal life again.

"When it is dark enough, men see the stars."

That's a pretty good quote. I appreciate the stars, there's something so beautiful about them. They remind you of the perfectness that is still left in the world. They may be imperfect, but I still love them. If everything was as easy as a clear night with stars. I don't feel like writing much tonight. I've already updated my mom's journal. Plus I have work early so I should crash soon. My mom is getting worse, and I know what the end result is. It breaks my heart to see this happen to her and it breaks me knowing what will happen to me when she leaves. But I still try to find the beauty in the word. The birds singing outside, the stars, and the flowers in bloom. Life is horribly tragic, but it provides us with a few things along the way that lifts us up just a little to remind us sometimes life is still worth it.

"If you stay positive, you have a shot a silver lining,"

I love that quote from "Silver Linings Playbook." It's been awhile. I'd be lying if I said nothing has changed. Everything has. I wish I could say life sucks, because most days it generally does. But I'm too much of a positive person to constantly spew negative thoughts. My mother is not doing well, and she probably won't get better. I keep hope, I really do. I pray every night before I fall asleep, I pray whenever I think about it actually. I wish it was easy to fix my mother and make her feel better. I still don't understand why such bad things happen to great people. It also scares the shit out of me. I'm afraid the same thing will happen to me one day. Is it all worth it? Is it worth living your life to the fullest, getting married, having children, making a life for yourself? To wake up when you're in your early 50's to a deadly form of cancer that most likely you will not survive? Is it worth it? I don't know how I'd feel in my mother's position. Could I have children knowing I might not live to see them grow up? I just don't know. Part of me is so confused about it, but the happy cheery side wants all of that. I don't care what happens to me down the line. I want to experience everything life has to offer while life is offering it to me. Positivity, that's what gets us through right? But god is it hard to be positive sometimes. I've learned to enjoy the simple things in life. An 8 lb. cat walking up and down my body in the morning to wake me up, my nephew telling me he loves me, a book that makes me realize how great life can be, a friend that does dumb shit just to make me laugh, the waves washing ashore on the beach at night, the sound of trains, my mother telling me a story from her childhood, and the sky. When the night sky is so clear that you can see every star in the sky, that's magic. Or seeing a shooting start fly through the sky? That's simple, and life changing. If only life could be so simple and easy. I've been through a lot of emotions. More recently, I've been ridiculously bitter and angry. I dislike a lot of people. I mostly dislike them right now because what they have that I don't. Easy life. Boring, every day life. It's been a long time since my life has been boring. But some days, in the midst of my anger and bitterness I think about what my life would be like if I had it easy. What if everything had been handed to me? What if I didn't have a 5 year old in my life that I helped raise the past 4 years, what if I was the only child, what if my parents still washed my laundry? Simply put, I would not be who I am today. I'm such a strong woman thanks to my circumstances and especially because of who my mother is. I can live and put up with so much. My limits are limitless, I can handle anything that is thrown in my face. I can handle it. As much as I don't want to handle it and at times I can't deal with it, I always do. And I've never had to be medicated to deal with my problems. I have great friends, good support, and the ability to write my feelings out when I need to. It's been quite awhile since I've been able to sit down and write my feelings out. I can write tons of stories and fill out my mom's online blog about her condition, but when it comes to what's inside my head? I've been kind of cloudy lately. I feel like I'm whole again. And finally my head has opened up and allowed my hands to flow with words again. I'm very thankful for that. Daylight savings is messing with my head. I'm so wide awake, but it's past my bed time. I'm hoping to update this frequently as a form of my own therapy and survival guide. Until then. "I shall be telling this with a sigh. Somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." - Robert Frost

And sometimes, the world stops spinning.

It's time to start my blogging back up again. I really believe that writing all of my thoughts down, no matter how jumbled they might be, will be a good form of therapy again for me. First thought of the day: Life sucks. You know how you read all of those quotes: "I've learned a lot in life. To sum it up in three words: It goes on." or "God wouldn't give me something I couldn't handle." The first one is from the poet Robert Frost. I used to love this quote. And it's a very true quote about life; it always goes on whether you want it to or even if you're ready for it to go on. Life doesn't care about how you feel, how hurt, how down, how depressed you might get. The world keeps spinning round and round and you have to keep getting out of bed every morning and perform the same mandated structure of life that you have always performed. But still, life is an asshole. I try not to be bitter, and I try not to be angry but these days it feels like those two characteristics actively dictate my life. Last Friday, exactly one week ago, we received the news that my mother's tumors on her liver have grown significantly. The last round of chemo did absolutely nothing. She was told she had two options, experimental treatments at a different hospital that had not been FDA approved, or try our last oral chemo option. She is trying the last chemo option. But what if it doesn't work? My mother is 51 years old. Fifty fucking one. People are not supposed to die at age 51. It's not right and it's not fair. It's also not fair that my mother has never smoked a cigarette, drank a lot of alcohol, and never has done anything to cause her to have bad health, EVER. How can so many people who are not taking care of themselves, poison their bodies and absolutely nothing happen to them? It's not right. But like my mother tells me, I can't be bitter and angry about it. I can't hate other people because their biggest gripe is starting a new school, or going to a job they don't like, or having everything handed to them but still constantly complains. I'm not allowed to be angry at those people according to my mother. But guess what, I fucking am. And don't tell me you understand what I'm going through because you don't. For the past 4 years I've helped raise a child that did not come from me and now I'm going to do everything I can to take care of my family since my mother is so sick. I pray hard every night that she will beat cancer and go into remission and live another 40+ years. But I'm slowly started to realize that there's a very slim chance of that dream coming true. Even if they shrink the tumors and they take the bad part of her liver, there's always a high chance that her cancer will come back with a vengeance. Cancer is the worst thing in the world. I can't imagine how she feels going through something like this. From her getting so much hope in the beginning, to now barely having any hope. But she believes she will fight and win this battle to and I am trying my best to believe the same. I apologize in advance for my anger and bitterness, but the way I see it is I'm allowed this, if not much else.